First Period of Anxiety

I guess my first post should start at the beginning so here goes.......

I was taking part in a project taking place in Portugal, it was a particularly stressful work project and I didn't have the most helpful shall we say employer. I was sent over to Portugal for a period of 8 weeks working with 2 other colleagues. At the outset I felt fine and had zero prior symptoms of Anxiety or Depression. I was healthy and played regular sports and I kind of felt indestructible.

But as the project went along things didn't go well, schedules slipped and I was put under immense pressure to get things done. What was been asked looking back was unrealistic and never achievable. But at that time I took responsibility for attempting to get things done. Working 16 hour days, eating poorly and never giving my brain a minutes rest.

The result was I started to struggle sleeping, even getting a couple of hours was near impossible. This just exaggerated things further and sucked me deeper into an anxious state. I didn't even realise that was happening to me, I thought I must have a virus and just carried on. At that point I started to suffer from a racing heart and felling faint, during one episode I really thought I was having a heart attack and dying. Looking back I was suffering from panic attacks, I still get the odd one now maybe 2 or 3 a year. But knowledge is a great thing and now I realise what is gong on I can ride them out relatively quickly and then be fine. Often it's a sign that I need to slow things down and clear my thinking other times its just happens!

Anyway back to Portugal! At this point I wasn't sleeping at all, had no idea what was wrong with me and was a complete waste of space at work. I dropped a £200 set of crimping tools down a manhole and lost them for good! I had to get back home and get some answers. I paid for flights and came home without my employers blessing but it was that or go crazy or worse. Looking back it was the right thing and thank god I had the strength to do it.

Rather randomly I developed an intense fear of flying at this time and I still have it today! I think all the worry about my imminent death had brought so many fears to the surface it was untrue. I really struggled on those flights home panicking at every bump or noise.

Upon getting home and seeing my family the instant relief was like a wave of happiness. My symptoms subsided within days and I felt normal again. The mistake I made here was to put it down to a virus and stress and seek no further help. For a couple of weeks I was fine but then I started to question what happened to me. I started worrying daily about my health and convinced myself I must be really ill. The anxiety started to build again and I felt more and more worthless everyday. Like I was failing my family and loved ones.

My fear of dying young comes from my grandfather and his brother dying in their early 30s due to heart conditions. I have had tons of checks since a very young age and have been told more than once that I do not have the same condition. But I think I always had this in the back of my mind and it played with my anxiety.

At this point my motivation disappeared and I spent days lying around the house is despair. I couldn't shake myself out of it and my poor wife was at the end of her tether. I think she believed I was so unhappy with her and that was the reason for feeling so depressed.

I eventually went to see my GP who was brilliant. He immediately diagnosed stress induced anxiety that had developed into depression. He prescribed a small dose of citalopram (10mg) and encouraged me to get out and take exercise even if I didn't feel like it. He explained the anti depressant was a very small dose and not to expect immediate results and that the dose might have to be increased within a couple of weeks. I now know what a small dose 10mg is and have since been on higher doses of Citalopram and other AD's.

Anyway within a week of forcing myself up and about and realising I wasn't about to drop dead I started to feel better. My anxiety dropped I felt fitter and stronger and I got a new job! For 6 months I felt more like my old self and had assumed I had been fixed for good. I didn't really read into my illness any further as I naively thought hey that's it I am better. My GP stopped the citalopram and I felt fine for over 3 years!

Unknowingly I had removed my main stressor of work and taken up regular exercise which suppressed and I suppose you could say fixed my symptoms. But at that point I didn't really understand or learn any further about what had happened. That all changed when I relapsed 3 years later due to starting my own business! I will cover that later and detail how I started to fight back for good learning, understanding and accepting this was a battle for perhaps the rest of my life!