My worst anxiety symptom, INSOMNIA!

As anyone who has suffered anxiety or depression will know it comes with a multitude of other unpleasant symptoms. I had a range of things such as tingling in my head, neck and hands, loss of appetite, lack of interest or the ability to focus or concentrate on even the simplest of things. Feeling panicked or nervous at the smallest thing, wanting to get back home to a safe place. Hot flushes, feeling faint, rapid heartbeat, PVCs, tiredness, exhaustion the list goes on.

But the worst part of my illness was always the insomnia, if I had to pick one thing it would be this. The feeling of loneliness during the night while others are peacefully sleeping is awful. I would spend many nights awake convinced that I would never be able to sleep again. Sleep is vital for any type of recovery but particularly for mental illness such as anxiety, well in my experience. But the vicious circle of this illness stopped me been able to relax and sleep. 

I also had children in the house and didn't like to disturb anyone else while I was struggling. So I would often sit in silence, alone thinking more and more negatively about myself and building things up into bigger and bigger problems.

Those periods were the worst of my illness as they often ran alongside starting up on anti-depressants and finally facing the fact I was unable to make myself feel better. I kind of felt pretty useless that I was so weak as to ever get in that state. At the time that is how many thinking went. But looking back I was showing great resilience to make a stand and run the fight back against the wind!

What I will say is each time I have felt that bad the moment I first admit how bad I am feeling and how difficult things have become is also the moment things start to get better. It is a slow process and no quick fix is possible in my experience, but it is worth focusing on the fact you can be better and feel 'normal' again.

I hate that description 'normal' after all what really is normal? We are all unique and if we was to live as nature intended 'normally' most of the common stressors and depression triggers would not exist, many are made through modern life in my eyes.

The timeline for my recoveries has been quite consistent over the years, once I have sought help things have gone fairly consistently. The first week or two I have had the side effects of ADs to deal with. In my instance I was also prescribed sleeping medication to help get at least a few hours rest each day. This has normally been enough and I haven't needed help from other medication like diazepam or lorazepam very often. But that is not to say these types of medication can’t help relieve some of the horrible symptoms of anxiety in the short term. I have always been careful to see these as very short term assistance and used them for a couple of days here and there when things have gotten really tough in my recoveries.

Those first couple of weeks have always been difficult but even during that time things did improve day by day. At the time you don't really notice it but looking back you can see how things were slowly working free. After that first couple of weeks I have normally started to pick up quite quickly. I try to work with the medication and keep away from stress and take regular exercise. Running was a great therapy for me. I would keep it simple for a good 6 weeks and just be positive about how much better I was feeling and focus on the fact I was getting more sleep and feeling more 'normal'. 

After about 6 weeks I would start to look at what had caused me to feel so bad. But again focusing on how much better I now was. The medication should be working well after 6 weeks and helping to support. It certainly did with me. I started to read and learn about the illness and develop techniques such as deep breathing and clearing my mind with simple focusing on my breathing and all the things around me.

I was lucky to have a supportive family around me and taking time with them was really helpful. Walks or trips to the cinema just been around each other showing love and kindness was really helpful. It always amazes me just how much better I can feel by helping someone else and showing kindness and love to others. 

I won't point anyone to a particular web reference or book as I believe we all have to find what works best for us. What I found useful might be completely inappropriate for someone else. I don't want to send anyone over to a website that you find completely useless and give up. Try all and everything at least once or twice is my advice, have an open mind. Deep breathing gave me almost instant relaxation after 2 or 3 attempts and these days I carry out deep breathing 2 or 3 times a day!

From 6 weeks to 6 months I would focus on myself allowing relaxation into my life and changing the way I think about prior stressful events. This is all part of CBT which I will attempt to delve into later. After 6 months if I had returned to consistent good health I would build back up with my work life watching closely for signs or symptoms at all times. Of course during the first 6 months I was still working but again keeping it simple. I appreciate we can’t often take 6 months out of work and in my case I didn't have to. You can still work and recover but it involves support and understanding from your work colleagues and employer. I know it feels like a tough thing to admit but once you do the support you get might be surprising. 

I would stay on my medication for at least 12 months if I relapsed again today. In the past I have been taken off them within 6 months and in my experience this can be too short a time to fully learn and understand ways to feel better for the long term. If I had the confidence and tools in place I would slowly withdraw from my medication between 12 to 24 months and then closely monitor how I was feeling and dealing with things. 

Some people require medication for the long term and this isn't a bad thing. It is due to your illness and you shouldn't feel bad for needing it. I guess I am one of the lucky ones who can live without the help of medication if I follow CBT and relaxation techniques. That is not to say that in the future I won’t need regular medication and support. We are all different and the decision on your medication should be made with your GP.

I often find people who are determined to get off the medication as soon as possible. This can be a poor way of thinking as sometimes the real cause of your illness will not be better. It just results in a constant cycle of breakdown/repair in my experience anyway. I know meds can be scary especially ones that effect your brain chemistry. But it is all part of a solid long term recovery and if long terms meds are part of that then so be it. Just like diabetics need insulin or asthmatics need an inhaler, don't be ashamed of mental health medication.

If you are lucky like me it might only be for a year or two while you have the mechanisms in place to live without the medication. But others who suffer more deeply than myself will require medical help long term and it isn't their fault or because I am stronger. It is just the result of the medical illness they are suffering. We are all different and require different treatments.