The lull before the storm

I kind of jumped around my time span in my first post and about page. I want to try and keep some kind of time line to my story if I can. I suppose it is my kind of therapy to tell my story and see if anyone has experienced similar or perhaps help those who are heading down a path I have travelled.

Firstly the time after my first experience of anxiety and depression was not all blighted with poor mental health. After my first episode which lasted about 6 months (2 of those were awful). I was quite well, I had a good job with little stress and the excitement of a growing family. I kind of naively thought that I just suffered one of life's curve balls and would be fine here on in.

I was right to start with! I think it was about 3 years and then I made the decision to start my own contracting business. What could go wrong :)! Well from a business perspective things went rather well, I grew a large and successful business working throughout the UK and employing people. But as a consequence I started to travel again and felt a lot of responsibility and pressure to keep things growing. I wouldn't say I couldn't cope with this but I wasn't allowing myself the time to rest my brain and recover. 

My body was and is super fit I enjoy physical work and early starts, I thrive on them in fact. But as a consequence my brain gets little down time to rest and when you run a business I can tell you that you have a lot to think and worry about.

After a couple of years I started to struggle with sleep again, notice a theme here the first sign I pay attention to is the sleep issue. In reality before that I had increased frequency of panic attacks, loss of appetite and reduced energy. All of those things I could ignore but when you lose the ability to sleep that just increases all the other problems tenfold in my experience.

My cure was a stiff drink or two or three before bedtime and for a week this did the trick. The problem is your body builds a tolerance and you begin to feel dependant on that drink for sleep. You also need more and more. It wasn't social drinking either this was literally 10 minutes before bed down a few glasses of whisky or wine. Not healthy and again alcohol only increases the other issues further adding to the vicious circle of poor thinking and decision making.

I also started to take St Johns Wart and 5HTP all seemed like a good solution non prescribed and a solution to my symptoms. I was certain I had chemical imbalances in my brain and I could fix it. How wrong was I!

I was hiding all this from my family and blindly carrying on. From the outside I had a successful business, plenty of money and a great family. All true but mental health doesn't take that into account. I was stressing myself to the point of a breakdown.

Things came to a head at a client meeting, I had slept 1 hour the night before. It was only a brief meeting about a fairly small contract but I had worked into such a state I entered fight or flight mode and left the meeting got in my car and went home! I felt so anxious it was untrue.

I went to stay with family for a few days as I felt a complete waste of space to my family and staff. Fortunately my wife was very understanding and held things together. She is truly unbelievable and without her I doubt I would have made it to this point. She understood the reasons I felt so bad and wanted to help find a solution.

This time I went to my GP and was put back on Citalopram at 20mg. Now this wasn't a great experience for me, I think my starting dose was way too high and the St Johns Wart had already done something to my brain chemistry. The first few days I felt huge waves of happiness, I think due to serotonin release within my brain that the St Johns Wart had built up. Anyway I didn't react well and my symptoms got worse, no sleep, no appetite and bad moods. The GP upped things to 40mg and boy that sent me into a more anxious state than ever before. I was constantly pacing around unable to relax or concentrate I was a mess.

At this point you can’t really help yourself in my experience. Well not straight away, perhaps those with greater mental will power could. I was in despair, what had worked before wasn't working this time. I thought that's it I will never be able to feel better, medicine can’t help me.

I needed rest badly and this time the GP prescribed Diazepam just the two 10mg tablets to help with sleep for the next 2 nights. Boy did they help, this immediately relieved my anxiety and I got some rest. I knew that this medication can be addictive and you can build up a tolerance very quickly so it was not a long term solution. I was told after a few days rest I needed to focus my mind on getting better and researching relaxation therapies. Of course I was also on the CBT waiting list for help..... This would take 3 months to come through and I will post about it later. In short it opened my eyes and pointed me in the right direction but only after medication had helped pull me from the depths.

I never settled on Citalopram during my second episode and my GP thought Mirtazapine would help better as this was good at helping with sleep. Antihistamine effects apparently. It sure did help with sleep but left me groggy for most of the next morning. After a few weeks I went up to 30mg and settled quite well on this drug. But the important thing was I felt an instant benefit on this drug, no 2 week build up etc. It helped with sleep from the first dose and stopped the need for any diazepam etc.

But I should stress that anti-depressants don't always agree with people in the same way. Even the same person at a different time can react differently, as I did. Patience and talking with your GP is the best advice here. It takes time for most of them to build up and help your brain recover often needing at least 2 weeks before a judgment is made on effectiveness. Many people don't like the groggy morning feeling Mirt can leave. I never found this to be an issue and had no side effects and settled quickly on this drug after the citalopram. But don't give up they can and do help!

This time while on my medication I researched extensively on mental illness, anxiety, depression, anti-depressants and therapies. I realised the drugs are buying me time to help learn how to take care of my brain in the same way I take of a muscle or my heart. I started to see I was working it to the point of breakdown. I realised I wasn't weak and could see how the workload I took on would make most people ill. My GP constantly asked if I would employ someone to do my job, if I would put another human through that. Of course I wouldn't so why should I do it to myself?

The big thing I learned is to remove the stress from my life. Otherwise you spend all your time hiding from it or masking the symptoms it delivers. Of course we are all different. Removing the stress doesn't necessarily mean you have to remove your job or partner or past experiences. It just means change the way you think about things to find them less stressful or not stressful at all.

Anyone who is struggling with stress, anxiety or depression please realise you are showing great strength by seeking help. Standing up and wanting to fight this illness is not a sign of weakness. It is courageous just like any fight with a physical illness. 

I stayed on Mirt for over a year and taught myself endless relaxation therapies and allowed chill time into my life. Making time for family and spending some of my hard earned money employing several people to manage the role I once did myself.

I will go into the various CBT and relaxation therapies I find the most useful later on. Don't worry about taking medication, in my experience it is all part of the healing process and some need that help for a number of years. No rule book exists it is what feels right for you and your return to health. 

But please understand you can feel better, you can sleep again, enjoy life, relax, take pleasure in things and live! It involves effort, strength, support and love but you can get there and I hope stay there! I have been well and AD free for a good few years now. I hope I have the skills and have learned how to spot warning signs to avoid ever falling so far to the bottom again.

But from someone who has walked that road I can say the fight is worth it tenfold. Those painful first minutes and hours, torturous insomnia and ruthless anxiety can be worked away from. Slowly and patiently. My advice is don't over think things, keep it simple. Short achievable goals such as 20 minute breathing exercises, short walks, reading a chapter of a book, small DIY project or anything to distract your mind. Along with GP help from anti-depressants and perhaps sleeping tablets (short term). Use the rest they give to recharge your brain, rest and relax. Then use the power of the Internet, your GP, support groups and family to learn and support your mind. Once you seek help you will be surprised just how many people go through this. It is a hidden illness and it is time that changed!