At my worst I was a nervous anxious wreck, I don't mind admitting it. I also know from reading around various blogs and forums that others have suffered much much worse. Anyone who suffers any form of metal illness has my deepest sympathy. It is often an unseen illness and many people including myself struggle on through life battling this debilitating illness.
At my worst I needed sleeping medication to get any form of rest and whilst awake could not focus on anything. I would sit with endless racing thoughts occupying my mind. I remember the feeling of peace just after I woke up during my illness. It lasted until I kicked my brain in to overdrive questioning if I would ever be able to relax or sleep normally again.
At those times I had convinced myself this is it forever. I would never be able to relax or rest properly again. Of course now in recovery I know this not to be true. Anyone who is currently suffering during an anxious period or breakdown please know despite what your own mind is telling you, you can and will feel better! Little comfort I know but as someone who has walked that road more than once I can promise you with support and help you can do it!
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, in my case it was a symptom of caring to much. Of wanting to always come through for others and having a difficulty saying NO. I would take more and more responsibility in my life and greater and greater worries and poor chains of thought. I have now developed better thought processes to handle my life and work within the means of myself. Right now I am at my most stable time, I am actively involved at work and relaxed in my home life. At the moment I am med free and have maintained an even keel for a number of years by embracing relaxation techniques and CBT.
Despite everything and the dark places I have been to I wouldn't change a thing. I think I am a much better person and parent for going through what I have. I still have my rough patches but who doesn't!
The first step on my road to long term recovery was opening up to my family, friends and work colleagues and allowing people to support and help me. Anyone who is struggling right now due to similar reasons as myself I would encourage to get support from your doctor and support network. Make those steps to feel better and get well.
Some people will say 'just snap out of it' or 'cheer up' but that is more through ignorance than any real menace. I just used to smile and ignore people like that but now I would say yeah when I break a leg shall I just jump up and walk on it? Time is a great healer and your mind needs it just as much if not more than your body! Do everything on your own terms and to your own time frame. On the whole most people have shown incredible support to me during my struggles and showed great understanding. I never thought that would be the case but it was, perhaps I am lucky.
But as a guy and one who manages a family and staff it was hard to admit hey I am not mentally well. Those first words were tough and I wasn't sure of the reaction I would get. But boy I am glad I got the words out! It set me on a long and rather bumpy path to learn about my mind and how to look after it!
Best wishes and good luck to all who take up the battle to good health and happiness!
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